Thoughts on Women in Mixed Orientation Marriages
Hands down, as a therapist, the clients/patients I work with who are in mixed-orientation marriages are some of the most courageous folks I know. Their ability to be honest with themselves and yet move forward in a place where there is no script is both inspiring and painful. I don’t come from a mixed-orientation marriage, however, I lead support groups for women who are in mixed-orientation marriages, and WOW...I have discovered so much from these courageous women! And what they learn is the value of being with other’s who are in a similar place to themselves, it’s life-changing. These incredible ladies have been vulnerable with each other and so honest with themselves and their spouses in a way that’s unique and deep. I feel so strongly about this particular group, that I found myself writing this “blog” about it….and maybe, just maybe, the difficult and complicated issues around mixed-orientation marriages can not only show the love, passion, and grace that these relationships possess but also might open our eyes in a different way.
Before I launch into these discoveries, I should probably start with what a mixed-orientation marriage is…... When the sexual orientations' of both partners do not match; a straight man is married to a gay woman, or one person in a marriage is bi-sexual. In other words, when a man and woman are married but one of them comes out as “not-straight”. The “not-straight” spouse might be bi-sexual, asexual, gay, lesbian, etc. I will refer to them as the “LGBT” spouse.
So I want to share with you the things that I’ve discovered from my previous groups about mixed-orientation marriages.
1. It’s complicated. Coming to terms with your sexuality can be difficult, figuring it out after you are married to your straight spouse makes it a thousand times more. If you grew up in the church and have the added weight of being “gay is a sin”, then it can be three thousand times more complicated. I never assume the path someone should take once realizing they are in a mixed-orientation marriage, I understand the layers of complication and want to give space that there are many different ways someone can move forward. It’s not about finding the one right way but finding your way through it. And it can be helpful in finding your way, to have others help and support.
2. There is not a black and white answer. The automatic answer isn’t “stay or go”. Not everyone who comes out chooses to leave their marriage and not everyone chooses to stay. It’s okay that it takes time to discover the way forward and sharing with others in a similar place can help with that. It’s also okay to decide on one path forward, try it, and then change your mind. While there is no black and white answer, it is a good idea to move as intentionally, slowly, and thoughtfully as possible. Staying connected to yourself and your support system is key!
3. They want their spouses to leave. I was surprised to hear that oftentimes when the LGBT spouse tells the straight spouse that they are not straight, the straight spouse wants to stay. This will often happen because the straight spouse has the marriage that they want. The straight spouse is with the right gender for their sexual orientation, which makes it hard and confusing to leave. The straight spouse in a mixed-orientation marriage also deserves space to process and support. It’s a great idea to suggest individual therapy sessions as either way, there will be things to grieve.
4. They didn’t know they were LGBT. Some people have always known they were LGBT but thought they “should” marry someone who is straight, thinking it would “fix” them. Others didn’t realize they were LGBT, followed the church and societies norm of getting married and having kids. They thought what they had with their spouses was enough. The majority of group participants met and fell in love with someone of the same sex and had a light bulb go on. They love their straight spouses dearly, but they were not truly “in love” with them. You are not a bad person if you are in a mixed-orientation marriage, you have been doing your best and I know you never meant to hurt anyone, especially those you love the most, your family.
Being in a mixed-orientation marriage can feel extremely lonely. You may not think anyone else is in the same situation, but there are thousands and thousands of others in a similar place to you. This is where my group can be transformative. Sharing your story with other people in the same situation, hearing others’ stories, and making those connections is truly life-changing. When we share with others in a group setting our perspective starts to change and we start to feel stronger than we did before. We start to see a way forward when we hadn’t seen one before. You start to hear the answers you were looking for as you hear others share their stories and you start to realize you are stronger than you ever thought.
I happen to be leading a 6-week group for women who are in mixed-orientation marriages starting August 9th! If you have found yourself in a similar relationship, then please join me and others! You don’t have to leave your marriage to attend, you don’t have to be divorced or know what you are going to do. You can have kids or no kids, you can have told your spouse or not. You don’t have to be alone. A group can be a huge help as you navigate these relationships. It’s also okay if you’re not sure but you’d like to talk to me about the group. We can set up a free consultation and I can tell you more and answer any questions you have. I would love for you to join me in the next group coming up on August 9th!