Planning A Wedding Without An Affirming Family
Planning a Wedding Without an Affirming Family as an LGBTQ Person is All Kinds of things.
They say planning your wedding is one of the most exciting times of your life. It’s a day that many of us have dreamt of since we were children. A day that is solely about celebrating love and unity. That’s true no matter what your orientation is, LGBTQ, straight, or somewhere in between. When we say yes to marrying someone it’s because we want to spend our lives with that person and as a gay person.
I want to spend my life with Jess. It’s the most natural desire in the world to want your family there to help celebrate and mark the day. I grew up in a family that isn’t affirming, often times this wedding planning dream never becomes a reality, or at least not the way you imagined it. This is my story of planning a wedding without an affirming family. I’ll do my best to share my experiences in a way that makes you feel known but also highlight some pieces of advice I have if you’re in a similar situation.
A special word for you dear queer engaged person:
First off, if you’re in this situation and you are entering into the wedding planning season and your family is non-affirming, I am sorry. I’m sorry that you have to go through this exciting season of life without those who should be by your side through it all-your parents. Maybe your parents are completely non-affirming and you don’t have a relationship with them anymore, or maybe they are still in your life but just not very excited that you are planning a same sex wedding. Whatever the reason and wherever your family is on that spectrum, your feelings are valid. Remember this. This day is all about YOU and you deserve everything in the world for it to be perfect for you. Exactly the way you dreamt of so it’s okay to have whatever boundaries you need.
A bit of my story as a gay person planning my wedding.
Let me speak to my situation, because it’s my story and what I know best. I came out four years ago in a small town in Arkansas after meeting my soon to be wife, Jess. It wasn’t much of a shocker to anyone except my Mom apparently. She definitely took it the hardest of anyone. I feel like this is often the case of other gay women that I know. I think it’s because our Moms grow up with these dreams for us, dreams of who and what we will be, dreams of our wedding day and what our future will be. Then suddenly we come out, and all those dreams no longer can come true, at least not in the same capacity. It’s been four years and my Mom still isn’t excited that I’m gay. She hasn’t been involved in the wedding planning process hardly at all and that was really difficult for me at first. Luckily, I have an almost mother-in-law that is very into the planning piece and has been so helpful. Overall, I’ve seen huge improvements in my Mom’s actions and reactions to me over the last four years. She isn’t where I wished she was, but she is getting there. It’s all about the small victories, friends.
On to the wedding planning piece. Jess and I got engaged and live in the Greater Seattle area. Most would say this area is very LGBTQ+ friendly but I’d like to share our experiences of planning a wedding here.
Here are a few pieces of advice as you plan your wedding dear LGBT person:
Find LGBTQ+ friendly venues and vendors. This is HUGE.
Write down things that you NEED on the big day and a separate list of things you WANT.
Understand that your dream and your partners dream of the day might be different-learn how to compromise.
Don’t place high expectations on family members, especially non-affirming ones. Do your best to communicate with them, but don’t expect them to congratulate you.
Let go of the hate. You will likely receive messages of disapproval as you begin this process, know that these people have no place in your heart or in your life.
Know that you deserve your dream wedding. If there’s something you really want, voice your thoughts!
Hire a LGBTQ+ wedding planner if budget allows. This was one of the most helpful things we did and we are so grateful that we decided to.
When it comes to venues, be prepared for venues to ask if you’re the Maid of Honor when you show up to look at it together. Kindly correct them and move on. This isn’t the time to get into an argument about it. If they apologize sincerely, move on. If it feels uncomfortable to you after that, thank them and leave. There are plenty of places that would love to celebrate your love. Don’t settle for tolerance. You can also have your wedding planner or friend call beforehand and prepare the venue that you are a same-sex couple. This way they are prepared for you and your beautiful fiancé to show up as you are, two people of the same gender!
Enjoy this time together as a couple. As stressful as wedding planning can be, don’t forget to have fun with it. Remember that you are preparing for the marriage, not just the wedding day. Find ways to make the wedding planning fun and enjoyable with one another! If your family is helping you plan the wedding, that’s great. If not, find friends or chosen family to help you plan your special day. Reach out to those that love and support you and ask them to be a part of this process with you. It’s hard and scary to plan a wedding without your mom, especially if that’s what you dreamt of your whole life, like I did. It’s all about adapting to the change and realizing that you cannot force someone to be excited for you. You can invite them into the planning, but ultimately the decision is up to them.
Personally, we invited my mom to many of the wedding planning process and she wasn’t apart of really any of it. My dad wasn’t super involved either, but he did contribute financially which we really appreciated. My advice to those of you without supportive mothers is this: continue to invite them into those moments, the planning, the picking of the food, the music choice, etc. Who knows, they may surprise you! Let me follow up with this, when I say continue to invite them, I don’t mean if they are outwardly condemning you. I’m speaking to those of you who have families that are sort of on the fence. The people you still have a relationship with but that don’t necessarily know how to celebrate your love yet.
Please hear me, if your family members have rejected you to your face time and time again, please do not feel the need to include those people in your special day.
This is also something we had to navigate. My aunt has made multiple comments about her disapproval of my “lifestyle” and has never apologized for it. A few months ago, she had the audacity to ask if they could attend the wedding and initially, I felt obligated to say yes. However, after thinking about it, I said no because our day is about celebrating our love and commitment to one another. We only want people there that can do that. She said that her and her husband were not able to celebrate a same sex marriage, so I kindly told her she was not welcome to attend.
Boundaries are hard as an LGBTQ person when it comes to non-affirming family members.
This is one of the times I felt the need to set a boundary in my life but also in my relationship with Jess. I wanted her to feel safe and I wanted us to feel completely free to be ourselves, as a gay couple, and love each other openly and proudly on our wedding day. I didn’t want to feel paranoid about what my aunt might think when she saw us kiss. If you are in a similar situation, know that you deserve to have the perfect day. Whatever that looks like for you. This day is about YOU. Not catering to what someone else wants. It is not selfish of you to not invite certain family members. I think some of you need to hear that again, it is not selfish of you to not invite certain people. You deserve to be surrounded with people who love you and are excited about your future together, not those who secretly pray for you to change.
Let’s talk about wedding traditions as an LGBTQ person planning your wedding
Traditionally, the father of the bride walks her down the aisle. If you aren’t close with your dad or no longer have a relationship with him, this can be a tricky and confusing thing to think about. My advice to you would be this: choose to have someone walk you down the aisle that knows you, supports you and loves you unconditionally. For me, my dad is walking me down the aisle because he is that person to me. I’m lucky that he has been incredibly supportive and loving to me since coming out and I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather have walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Remember that traditions don’t have to be followed. You can create your perfect day exactly the way YOU want it! In fact, there are many people, especially LGBTQ people who wouldn’t want to be walked down the aisle by anyone and feel much more comfortable creating their own procession.
It also might be true that you don’t connect to the idea of having anyone walk you down the aisle and that’s fantastic too. There is no need to have that even be a part of your special day. Have this part of your wedding reflect you and your empowered self!
Some queer folks have an affirming or at least somewhat supportive immediate family, but your extended family isn’t. This is my story. Jess has almost 80 people coming to our wedding and I have about 20. Only a handful of my extended family is attending my wedding. The most important day of my life and only 4 of my extended family members are attending. It can be really difficult to plan a wedding with a spouse that has a very supportive extended family when you don’t have a relationship with yours at all. Take this as an opportunity to be grateful for their family and their support system. As hard as it is, try not to compare and pity yourself in these moments. Grieve when you need to and as much as you need to and in-between that, take this in all the goodness of your new family and their support system. Feel your feelings, and then move forward.
Take your time planning this day. Don’t get in too much of a rush that you forget to enjoy these moments. You will never get this time back so don’t wish it away too fast. We had a two year engagement (technically because of Covid), but this gave us ample time to plan the perfect day. Lastly, I would highly recommend doing some sort of pre marital counseling. We did it through our church and it was actually phenomenal. It was so helpful to have someone leading us through discussion and thought provoking questions. We did a 12 week series with a pastor at our church and it was really great for us. It brought up a lot of good conversations about our past, present and future and helped us create some tools for a long and healthy marriage. I will say this, a lot of folks say they don’t need pre marital counseling but I would argue that everyone needs it! It is so helpful and allows you and your partner to have a mediator to talk through some important things before the big day. Both to make sure you’re on the same page with big decisions- kids, money, lifestyle choices, etc. and also to help you find healthy coping patterns for when there is a disagreement, because there will be disagreements. ☺
A few things to recap the planning of your LGBTQ Wedding:
This day is about you and your partner. Let your dreams and wishes be known.
Set boundaries with family members and stay true to them!
Saying no is okay.
You are not selfish for not inviting people who refuse to support your marriage.
Your love is beautiful, valid and worthy of celebration.
Remember to prepare for the marriage, not just the wedding day.
Take deep breaths.
Hire a wedding planner.
Find a support system of people who are willing to help you plan your special day.
Remember to enjoy this time as a couple. It flies by!
I’m so honored to have gotten to share a bit of my story with you all. Please remember that if you are in the midst of planning your big day, take this time in. you’ll never get it back. Remember, it’s just a day. Never forget that you are preparing for the marriage, not the wedding. Always keep dating your person and always kiss them goodnight.